Traveling has the nasty habit of disorienting a person.
He must change his diet, alter his sleeping habits, adapt to new customs.
We say to hell with it. If
you want to feel like an outsider, they're much cheaper and efficient ways to
get the task accomplished. You could
put a corny mask on your face and run nude through your neighborhood with a
garter belt. Or, for the less
daring, you could keep applying to an exclusive club which would never have you
as a member. Groucho Marx spent his
entire lifetime dealing with that problem.
absolutely feel you must journey to lands of different languages and cultures,
you should keep in mind the following points.
First, never provoke, swear at, or criticize anyone who has a
knife/gun/missile launcher at your throat.
This applies regardless of the European nationality of your attacker.
Second, don't wear long underwear in the Mediterranean countries.
They'll think you're African.
Third, learn a few basic words and phrases in the language of the countries
you're going to. We've found the
phrases "give me," "get out of my way," "go to hell," and "where's the nearest
English-speaking shrink" to be the most useful.
find that being an alien does have its perks.
You can zip down the British M1 at 100 mph and then tell the police
officer when he pulls you over that you weren't aware of the rules.
Or egg a local in the face, and when confronted, say "that's how we do
things in my country." You'll be
pleasantly surprised to know that you can do almost anything and everything in
Europe except deface their domestic brands of automobiles.
You wouldn't, for instance, spray paint a Mercedes Benz or Audi in
Germany, although a Peugot, Citröen, Fiat, or Range Rover would be okay.
You must select carefully, since even a small part of the car you'd like
to mar could be locally produced.
Your hometown automobile association can supply you with a list of European
automobiles and where they're made.
Be forewarned that the Europeans are growing less tolerant of crimes other than
adultery. Taking their cue from the
Singaporeans, the Europeans now whip the behinds of any offender with a rattan
cane. It's not as bad as it sounds
though. The canes are manufactured
by a subsidiary of Rolex in Switzerland, meaning they're prestigious, and
generous European medical insurance usually covers your butt after it's been
permanently scarred by the lashings.