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Voltaire Brown

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Voltaire Brown's Don't Travel Europe Home Page
- Voltaire Brown's Opening Words
- Basics
- Notes To Unintelligent Travelers
- Documents and Packing
- Money
- Getting To Europe
- Voltaire Brown's Closing Words
Baltic States
Iberia (Spain/Portugal)
Europe's Other Losers

Voltaire Brown. Call him Mr. Europe. He tells you how to get to Europe by airplane or by raft or by bus or by car (automobile). Screw it. Go by foot or try hitching. You can get a cheap ticket at any bucket shop.  

Getting To Europe

"Stay away from any bucket shops you suspect of being fly-by-night operations. Nothing is more unsafe than flying to Europe by night in a bucket!"  Voltaire Brown

Whether you're departing from North America, Oceania, or the United Kingdom or Ireland, you have several methods to choose from in getting to Europe.


It's refreshing nowadays to see more intense competition among airlines, which translates into bargain basement deals for the traveler.

Since going to Europe in the first place is of questionable value, why pay a lot of money to go?  Ask around among local pilots and see if anyone will drop you off in Europe on the way to somewhere else.  Scout among no-name airlines.  You can usually find one whose safety record isn't too bad.  You can never go wrong taking along your own parachute and life vest for any emergencies that will probably arise.

Beware of deals that sound too good to be true.  A Canadian fellow thought he'd gone to heaven and back when he found a $100 roundtrip fare to Paris.  It was quite a letdown for him to discover upon landing that the fare was to Paris, Texas.


getting to EuropeRafts have become an increasingly common way to travel.  The Norwegian explorer, Thor Heyerdahl, paved the way for international raft travel with his famous Kon-Tiki expedition in 1947.  It's still the cheapest way to get to Europe, but the tradeoffs are starvation and possible death.  Anyone considering the raft, Australians and New Zealanders especially, should take along plenty of six packs because there's not a helluva lot to do on a raft journey that will last months, if you get there.  You'll be floating past many countries, so it may be difficult to determine whether you've come to Europe.  Follow this simple rule.  If you dock and a dark man with a spear rushes toward you, you're not in Europe. 

Bus or Automobile

A bus or automobile is a phenomenal way to get to Europe, filled with enough experiences to last a lifetime, which is about how long itGetting to Europe will take you to get there.

From North America

From North America, you would drive through Alaska to Nome. There, you would catch a ferry across the Bering Strait to Siberia.  Make sure the vehicle you're traveling in has enough gasoline to travel five to six thousand miles.  Russia is renowned for oil and gasoline shortages, and the gas that is sold may not be suitable for North American vehicles. 

With all the commotion taking place in the former USSR, plan on the trip taking you about a decade and losing several limbs from frostbite in the Siberian arctic cold.

From Australia/New Zealand

The trip from Oceania is quite pleasant if you also happen to be mentally retarded and resistant to seasickness.  You would start in the Australian Northern Territory city of Darwin and take a ferry to Bali, Indonesia.  Another ferry from Bali would transport you to Borneo.  Still another ferry is required to take you from Sabah, Malaysia (where a pastime is hanging Australians and New Zealanders by their sexual organs) to the Philippines.  Once in Manila, feel free to have a heart attack. 

For those who are still alive, one last ferry is necessary to take you from Laoag -- pronounced 'hell' in English -- to Communist-controlled Hong Kong, where your vehicle will be heartily welcomed and stolen because of its right‑hand drive.  From Hong Kong the route is simple.  Just drive west 2,500 miles across the whole expanse of China to Alma-Ata, just north of Kirgiz.  A Howard Johnson's hasn't been built there yet.  Look instead for the row of limping goats.  A northwestern approach from Alma-Ata for about another 2,000 miles should take you straight into Moscow.  Consult a gas station attendant in Moscow for the easiest way into central Europe.

From the United Kingdom and Ireland

Getting to EuropeGetting to mainland Europe couldn't be easier if you're a young British or Irish man.  Dublin and London are filled year-round with elderly European ladies, mostly widowed, who are out looking for a young English-speaking stud who can act as their sex slave and maid and do on-the-spot English voiceovers for the American/British/Australian television shows that have been imported and overdubbed.  These women will pay your way to Europe and provide you with a closet that you can sleep in at no charge during your employment as a gigolo.

If you're a British or Irish woman, you're going to have a much, much tougher time getting over to the mainland all expenses paid.  Women from the British Isles have a reputation as prudes and for not being extraordinarily good-looking.  Most European men are not fond of women with pale complexions; the few that are can get ones a lot paler than you at the local morgue who also won't talk back.  If you're a woman from the British Isles whose face doesn't look like it was run over by mack truck and whose body is not a living testament of every fish & chips dinner she's ever consumed, you'll have better luck being escorted to Europe from America.  European men are very fond of returning from America with a gorgeous aspiring Hollywood actress or a beautiful airhead -- or are those the same things?


The route would be the same as those going by car or bus.  If you have enough room in your travel bags, taking along a hundred pairs of your favorite walking shoes would be highly recommended.   

You can save a bit of money by swimming rather than taking the ferries.  North American travelers swimming across the Bering Strait might do better wearing boxer-style swimming trunks (or a full-sized swimsuit, if a woman) over bikini-style suits.  Shivering to death in skimpy clothing is a cultural taboo in that part of the world. 


getting to europeWe don't recommend it as a way to get to Europe.  There are so many cultural do's and don'ts you have to be aware of that you won't be doing yourself any kind of favor traveling this way.  Would you be aware that in certain provinces of China it's customary for the foreign hitchhiker to sit on his head with his rear end exposed?  The Chinese consider this the more intelligent opening in Westerners.  Would you have known in the Philippines, you're expected to copulate with a farmer's livestock in exchange for a ride?  Anyone not certifiably insane to begin with should not attempt to hitch!  If you're not sure whether you qualify as certifiably insane, ask yourself if you'd consider chopping off your spouse's or lover's sexual organs.  If such actions appeal to you, you may just qualify as normal. 

Bucket Shops

Your local bucket shop may be able to supply you with additional bargains.  A bucket shop in New York once offered to water ski any customer to Europe absolutely free with the purchase of a pail valued at $700 or more.  The more reputable bucket shops sell buckets large enough for you and a friend to plop right into to float your way on over to Europe.  Stay away from any bucket shops you suspect of being fly-by-night operations.  Nothing is more unsafe than flying to Europe by night in a bucket!

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 Voltaire Brown is the expert on Europe, and he informs you how to use bucket shops to obtain cheap rates on airplane, raft, bus, car, and automobile transport. Or go by foot or try hitching.