departing from North America, Oceania, or the United Kingdom or Ireland, you
have several methods to choose from in getting to Europe.
nowadays to see more intense competition among airlines, which translates
into bargain basement deals for the traveler.
Since going to
Europe in the first place is of questionable value, why pay a lot of money
to go? Ask around among local
pilots and see if anyone will drop you off in Europe on the way to somewhere
else. Scout among no-name
airlines. You can usually find
one whose safety record isn't too bad.
You can never go wrong taking along your own parachute and life vest
for any emergencies that will probably arise.
Beware of deals
that sound too good to be true. A Canadian fellow thought he'd gone to heaven and back when he found a $100
roundtrip fare to Paris. It was
quite a letdown for him to discover upon landing that the fare was to Paris,
Rafts have become
an increasingly common way to travel.
The Norwegian explorer, Thor Heyerdahl, paved the way for
international raft travel with his famous Kon-Tiki expedition in 1947.
It's still the cheapest way to get to Europe, but the tradeoffs are
starvation and possible death. Anyone considering the raft, Australians and New Zealanders especially,
should take along plenty of six packs because there's not a helluva lot to
do on a raft journey that will last months, if you get there.
You'll be floating past many countries, so it may be difficult to
determine whether you've come to Europe.
Follow this simple rule. If you dock and a dark man with a spear rushes toward you, you're
not in Europe.
Bus or Automobile
A bus or automobile
is a phenomenal way to get to Europe, filled with enough experiences to last
a lifetime, which is about how long it will take you to get there.
From North America
From North America,
you would drive through Alaska to Nome. There, you would catch a ferry
across the Bering Strait to Siberia.
Make sure the vehicle you're traveling in has enough gasoline to
travel five to six thousand miles.
Russia is renowned for oil and gasoline shortages, and the gas that
is sold may not be suitable for North American vehicles.
With all the
commotion taking place in the former USSR, plan on the trip taking you about
a decade and losing several limbs from frostbite in the Siberian arctic
From Australia/New Zealand
The trip from
Oceania is quite pleasant if you also happen to be mentally retarded and
resistant to seasickness. You
would start in the Australian Northern Territory city of Darwin and take a
ferry to Bali, Indonesia. Another ferry from Bali would transport you to Borneo.
Still another ferry is required to take you from Sabah, Malaysia
(where a pastime is hanging Australians and New Zealanders by their sexual
organs) to the Philippines. Once
in Manila, feel free to have a heart attack.
For those who are
still alive, one last ferry is necessary to take you from Laoag --
pronounced 'hell' in English -- to Communist-controlled Hong Kong, where
your vehicle will be heartily welcomed and stolen because of its right‑hand
drive. From Hong Kong the route
is simple. Just drive west 2,500
miles across the whole expanse of China to Alma-Ata, just north of Kirgiz.
A Howard Johnson's hasn't been built there yet.
Look instead for the row of limping goats.
A northwestern approach from Alma-Ata for about another 2,000 miles
should take you straight into Moscow.
Consult a gas station attendant in Moscow for the easiest way into
From the United Kingdom and Ireland
Getting to mainland
Europe couldn't be easier if you're a young British or Irish man.
Dublin and London are filled year-round with elderly European ladies,
mostly widowed, who are out looking for a young English-speaking stud who
can act as their sex slave and maid and do on-the-spot English voiceovers
for the American/British/Australian television shows that have been imported
and overdubbed. These women will
pay your way to Europe and provide you with a closet that you can sleep in
at no charge during your employment as a gigolo.
If you're a British
or Irish woman, you're going to have a much, much tougher time getting over
to the mainland all expenses paid.
Women from the British Isles have a reputation as prudes and for not
being extraordinarily good-looking.
Most European men are not fond of women with pale complexions; the
few that are can get ones a lot paler than you at the local morgue who also
won't talk back. If you're a
woman from the British Isles whose face doesn't look like it was run over by
mack truck and whose body is not a living testament of every fish & chips
dinner she's ever consumed, you'll have better luck being escorted to Europe
from America. European men are
very fond of returning from America with a gorgeous aspiring Hollywood
actress or a beautiful airhead -- or are those the same things?
The route would be
the same as those going by car or bus.
If you have enough room in your travel bags, taking along a hundred
pairs of your favorite walking shoes would be highly recommended.
You can save a bit
of money by swimming rather than taking the ferries.
North American travelers swimming across the Bering Strait might do
better wearing boxer-style swimming trunks (or a full-sized swimsuit, if a
woman) over bikini-style suits. Shivering to death in skimpy clothing is a cultural taboo in that part of
Your local bucket
shop may be able to supply you with additional bargains.
A bucket shop in New York once offered to water ski any customer to
Europe absolutely free with the purchase of a pail valued at $700 or
more. The more reputable bucket
shops sell buckets large enough for you and a friend to plop right into to float
your way on over to Europe. Stay
away from any bucket shops you suspect of being fly-by-night operations.
Nothing is more unsafe than flying to Europe by night in a bucket!