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Voltaire Brown's Don't Travel Europe Home Page
- Voltaire Brown's Opening Words
- Basics
- Notes To Unintelligent Travelers
- Documents and Packing
- Money
- Getting To Europe
- Voltaire Brown's Closing Words
Baltic States
Iberia (Spain/Portugal)
Europe's Other Losers

Voltaire Brown is the travel guidebook writer for Europe, make no mistake about that. His travel guidebook is more enlightening than the guidebooks you'll read from Fodor, Frommer,Let's Go, or Lonely Planet

Voltaire Brown's Opening Words

"We’re sending you a timeless message which needs no revision. Europe was a waste of time during the Crusades, the Inquisitions, and the Napoleonic Wars, and today it’s just as much of a waste of time with talk of European Unions and various Russian vodka intoxication treaties."  Voltaire Brown

For decades, people have sought the ideal guide for traveling through Europe, a guide that was witty, entertaining, informative, and packed with crude jokes you could tell your cousins.  It was our objective to capture the spirit, the philosophy -- and, yes -- the social decadence of Europe, as well as come up with some damn good jokes you could tell at a party.  Welcome to the first and last edition of Voltaire Brown’s Don’t Travel Europe.

Back up a second.  Did you just say Don’t Travel Europe?

That's right.  We visited these countries, and they’re not worth traveling to.  It doesn't make much sense for us to throw good money after bad countries sending out new researchers to update information for this European collection of sty stops.  And then there are the moral considerations.  It simply isn't ethical to send researchers or prospective tourists to countries where there aren't at least four major television networks and plenty of scandalous magazines to waste their valuable time.

Our book requires no updates.  We’re sending you a timeless message which needs no revision.  Europe was a waste of time during the Crusades, the Inquisitions, and the Napoleonic Wars, and today it’s just as much of a waste of time with talk of European Unions and various Russian vodka intoxication treaties. Who knows what tomorrow may bring, but we can assure you that whatever Europe’s tomorrow, it, too, will be a waste of your time.  We’re no different than our competition.  None of the guidebooks really do any updates.  The other guidebooks just mislead their readers that they do.  Let's Go dispatched its first team of researchers to Europe in 1961.  Updates and revisions are made only when a a Harvard president admits that he's a homosexual.  Frommer's Europe On $X A Day, where X stands for a number equal to the cost of a tube of KY Jelly and a pack of cigarettes, is criticized for revealing a side of Europe most tourists don't want to see.  Fielding's Europe is a perfect price guide if you also own a time machine.  The price levels haven’t been updated since the Seventies.  Travelers from the year 1975 routinely appear in bookstores to buy up this year's edition.  The Lonely Planet guidebooks are written by ex-hippies and Communists and have a weird name.  I told a colleague I'd be traveling with Lonely Planet, and she thought I was being accompanied by one of Frank Zappa's children.

The cost of this humongous Chinese buffet in North America is still cheaper than a diet croissant in Europe

We've thoroughly looked over the competition and come to the conclusion that we offer the best guidebook your money can buy.  Obviously, we have to say this.  How would it look in the introduction if we hyped the Fodor's Guides?

One last point we'd like to leave you with, especially those who are sticklers for accuracy and detail.  If our book fulfills any purpose, it's that you realize what a great place you're living in now, cancel your trip, and spend the money saved on a nice Chinese luncheon buffet in your local community.  We like to compare our guidebook to a tree falling in the forest.  The falling tree doesn't make a sound because no one is there to hear it.  By the same reasoning, our guidebook can't be considered inaccurate if none of our readers travels to Europe.

Enjoy the buffet!

Mr. Voltaire Brown
August 10, 1998
A condemned building on the outskirts of Marion, Ohio

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 Voltaire Brown writes a travel guidebook for Europe that rivals the ones by Fodor, Frommer, Let's Go, amd Lonely Plant.