For decades, people have sought the ideal guide for traveling through Europe, a
guide that was witty, entertaining, informative, and packed with crude jokes you
could tell your cousins. It was our
objective to capture the spirit, the philosophy -- and, yes -- the social
decadence of Europe, as well as come up with some damn good jokes you could tell
at a party. Welcome to the first
and last edition of Voltaire Brown’s Don’t Travel Europe.
Back up a second. Did you just say
Don’t Travel Europe?
That's right. We visited these
countries, and they’re not worth traveling to.
It doesn't make much sense for us to throw good money after bad countries
sending out new researchers to update information for this European collection
of sty stops. And then there are
the moral considerations. It simply
isn't ethical to send researchers or prospective tourists to countries where
there aren't at least four major television networks and plenty of scandalous
magazines to waste their valuable time.
Our book requires no updates. We’re
sending you a timeless message which needs no revision.
Europe was a waste of time during the Crusades, the Inquisitions, and the
Napoleonic Wars, and today it’s just as much of a waste of time with talk of
European Unions and various Russian vodka intoxication treaties. Who knows what
tomorrow may bring, but we can assure you that whatever Europe’s tomorrow, it,
too, will be a waste of your time.
We’re no different than our competition.
None of the guidebooks really do any updates.
The other guidebooks just mislead their
readers that they do. Let's Go
dispatched its first team of researchers to Europe in 1961.
Updates and revisions are made only when a a Harvard president admits
that he's a homosexual. Frommer's
Europe On $X A Day, where X stands for a number equal to the cost of a
tube of KY Jelly and a pack of cigarettes, is criticized for revealing a side of
Europe most tourists don't want to see.
Fielding's Europe is a perfect price guide if you also own
a time machine. The price levels
haven’t been updated since the Seventies.
Travelers from the year 1975 routinely appear in bookstores to buy up
this year's edition. The Lonely
Planet guidebooks are written by ex-hippies and Communists and have a weird
name. I told a colleague I'd be
traveling with Lonely Planet, and she thought I was being accompanied by one of
Frank Zappa's children.
|The cost of this
humongous Chinese buffet in North America is still cheaper than a diet
croissant in Europe
We've thoroughly looked over the competition and come to the conclusion that we
offer the best guidebook your money can buy.
Obviously, we have to say this.
How would it look in the introduction if we hyped the Fodor's
One last point we'd like to leave you with, especially those who are sticklers
for accuracy and detail. If our
book fulfills any purpose, it's that you realize what a great place you're
living in now, cancel your trip, and spend the money saved on a nice Chinese
luncheon buffet in your local community.
We like to compare our guidebook to a tree falling in the forest.
The falling tree doesn't make a sound because no one is there to hear it.
By the same reasoning, our guidebook can't be considered inaccurate if
none of our readers travels to Europe.
Enjoy the buffet!
Mr. Voltaire Brown
August 10, 1998
A condemned building on the outskirts of Marion, Ohio