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Voltaire Brown is the travel guru for the eldery, gay, lesbian, bisexual, and stupid traveler communities

Notes To Unintelligent Travelers

"The term 'intelligent traveler' is an oxymoron, like 'small giant,' 'green blackboard,' or 'honest politician.' If you're intelligent, you're not traveling, and if you're traveling, you're a moron."  Voltaire Brown

There is special advice which applies to different groups of unintelligent travelers and should be mentioned here.

Elderly Travelers

elderly travelerAll elderly travelers are over the hill to everyone but themselves.  The simple rule of thumb for computing one's descent down the hill is add twenty years to whatever your current age.  Two out of three elderly travelers are senile and should be treated as such.  In our senile edition of the book, we don't divide the chapters up by country, since it is normal for the senile traveler to be in Sweden, think he's in Italy, but refer to the chapter on Spain.

The best piece of advice an elderly traveler can heed -- and this applies to all facets of life, not just travel -- is to get a facelift and smile a lot.  Speak normally.  What's perceived as gibberish at home will be considered an unknown language in Europe.  You have a fifty-fifty chance of being greeted with an open mind or being considered a South African. 

Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Travelers

gay lesbian travelerThe capital cities of Europe, particularly London, Paris, and Berlin, are havens for queers.

Gays would be wise to act and dress more effeminately than they would in similar situations at home.  European gays have the additional burden of having to decipher cultural signals on top of sexual ones.  If not clearly marked as a homosexual, a foreign gay could very well be mistaken for a lawyer or other undesirable human. 

Lesbians should crop their hair, brandish tattoos, and ride around on a Harley.  Otherwise, they may find themselves being sought after by the opposite sex. 

Bisexuals should act effeminate, ride a Harley, and cuss periodically.  This should be sufficient to attract the dregs of both sexes.

Especially Stupid Travelers

The idiot is at a distinct advantage when traveling because he doesn't have the mental faculties to realize just how stupid he really is. 

It's already a given that you're not too smart.  You're willing to pay thousands of dollars to fly overseas to look at old buildings and eatstupid traveler overcooked vegetables.  The clue to whether you're a bona fide idiot depends on how you view your situation. Nine out of ten truly stupid people consider themselves intelligent.  If you're among those nine, it's necessary that you take several additional precautions.

You should definitely never voice a thought.  It's been said that it's better to be thought an idiot than to open up one's mouth and remove all doubt.  Europeans have their share of idiots, too, but because European culture is enshrined in an intellectual tradition versus a pop one, many of these idiots consider themselves first rank intellectuals and will go to great lengths to remove their shoes and stuff a sock in your mouth.  It also goes without saying that you should not express a thought or opinion in any other form, such as a note or a banner attached to a plane.  Photographs are permitted if you're a dumb blonde female. 

As an idiot, you have to be particularly wary of anything that moves in Europe.  In a 1988 study, the average IQ of a German shepherd was found to be twelve points higher than a large group of stupid travelers.  The stupid should thus be extremely cautious when traveling through Germany.  Insects and small birds usually don't pose much of a problem, although we do know of several idiot tourists who were outfoxed by a beaver-fox duo.  When in doubt who swindled you, better to assume it's a priest, a close friend, or spouse over a seedy pimp on a street corner.  No doubt, as an idiot, you would have arrived at this conclusion anyway. 

Accustom yourself to traveling with very little before departure.  After a few hours in Europe, you're going to end up in this situation anyway.

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 Voltaire Brown gives travel advice to the elderly, gay, bisexual,lesbian, as well as stupid travelers