There is special advice which applies to different groups of
unintelligent travelers and should be mentioned here.
travelers are over the hill to everyone but themselves.
The simple rule of thumb for computing one's descent down the hill is
add twenty years to whatever your current age.
Two out of three elderly travelers are senile and should be treated
as such. In our senile edition
of the book, we don't divide the chapters up by country, since it is normal
for the senile traveler to be in Sweden, think he's in Italy, but refer to
the chapter on Spain.
The best piece of
advice an elderly traveler can heed -- and this applies to all facets of
life, not just travel -- is to get a facelift and smile a lot.
Speak normally. What's
perceived as gibberish at home will be considered an unknown language in
Europe. You have a fifty-fifty
chance of being greeted with an open mind or being considered a South
Gay, Lesbian, and Bisexual Travelers
The capital cities
of Europe, particularly London, Paris, and Berlin, are havens for queers.
Gays would be wise
to act and dress more effeminately than they would in similar situations at
home. European gays have the
additional burden of having to decipher cultural signals on top of sexual
ones. If not clearly marked as a
homosexual, a foreign gay could very well be mistaken for a lawyer or other
crop their hair, brandish tattoos, and ride around on a Harley.
Otherwise, they may find themselves being sought after by the
act effeminate, ride a Harley, and cuss periodically.
This should be sufficient to attract the dregs of both sexes.
Especially Stupid Travelers
The idiot is at a
distinct advantage when traveling because he doesn't have the mental
faculties to realize just how stupid he really is.
It's already a
given that you're not too smart.
You're willing to pay thousands of dollars to fly overseas to look at old
buildings and eat overcooked vegetables.
The clue to whether you're a bona fide idiot depends on how you view your
situation. Nine out of ten truly stupid people consider themselves intelligent.
If you're among those nine, it's necessary that you take several
definitely never voice a thought.
It's been said that it's better to be thought an idiot than to open up one's
mouth and remove all doubt.
Europeans have their share of idiots, too, but because European culture is
enshrined in an intellectual tradition versus a pop one, many of these idiots
consider themselves first rank intellectuals and will go to great lengths to
remove their shoes and stuff a sock in your mouth.
It also goes without saying that you should not express a thought or
opinion in any other form, such as a note or a banner attached to a plane.
Photographs are permitted if you're a dumb blonde female.
As an idiot, you
have to be particularly wary of anything that moves in Europe.
In a 1988 study, the average IQ of a German shepherd was found to be
twelve points higher than a large group of stupid travelers.
The stupid should thus be extremely cautious when traveling through
Germany. Insects and small birds
usually don't pose much of a problem, although we do know of several idiot
tourists who were outfoxed by a beaver-fox duo.
When in doubt who swindled you, better to assume it's a priest, a close
friend, or spouse over a seedy pimp on a street corner.
No doubt, as an idiot, you would have arrived at this conclusion anyway.
to traveling with very little before departure.
After a few hours in Europe, you're going to end up in this situation